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Okay boys and girls, its time for Mages Rants.. or something like that. I have to come up with a catchy hook. Anywho, today we'll cover a few subjects. The first is celebrity nicknames. I'm not refering to Uwe Boll's nickname of Destroyer of that Which is Sacred. No, I'm refering to nicknames that refer to a couple. I'll give you the list:
Bennifer - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez or Garner.. you decide
TomKat - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (Katie Cruise just sounds ridiculous)
Brangelina - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Garfleck - Another variant of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner
Spederline - Brit Spears and Kevin Federline.. sounds like a Speedo.
Vaughniston - This one is retarded. Vince Vaughn and Jen Anniston
Parisopolis - A city and the latin word for city. *Thumbs Up*
Jared Catalohan - Um.. I see Lohan.. who is Jared Cata-something?
Gyllengaard - I knew Jake Gyllenhal was gay.
Dashmi/Dashton - Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. I think Ed Rex would be better.
Now, a few of them, its obvious as to who they are. But a few of them.. its kinda hard to say exactly. Like the Parisopolis or the Gyllengaard. Why? Because those celebrity couples are obscure. They don't make front page of the tabloids (which is the extent of my celebrity knowledge. I had to google celebrity nicknames in order to make a complete list.) Now I know the first nick name was cute. That was fine.. but you have the rest of the media to ruin anything that is good in this world. You are unoriginal, overpaid bottomfeeders who should be shot where you stand. Tabloids and people who work for them are Satan's spawn. I can't stand hearing about Paparrazi (Which was a bad movie btw) get their asses beat for invading on someones privacy. People always want to side with them too. How about trying this, side with the people you devote so much time to. How about treating them like they're people. They do the same thing you do. They get up, go to work and then come home or go out to a party or take care of their kids. Yet, you have to have the cameras up their ass so you know what they're doing before they do it.Paparrazi, they're the scum of the earth and I hope they die.
Secondly, people who bitch about the price of gas.. More specifically, the assholes who take their gas rage (sounds like a medical condition), out on store clerks and what not. These limpwristed prostate fondlers are out of their minds. They either gas up and bitch about prices to the store clerk (who has no control over the price of gas) or they gas up and drive off. Hey, asshole, look at me when I'm talking to you, stop yelling at the clerk. He did nothing wrong. You want to bitch about the price of gas? Then write Exxon, Texaco, Shell, BP, and whoever else you buy gas from. Start boycotting. Start doing something active about the situation instead of bitching about it. You lazy fucks. How about cutting back on the driving? Plan your destinations ahead of time. Stop making 3 or 4 trips to the store a day. Carpool!! FUCK AROUND you lazy bastards. Stop with the bitching and get active. And a lot of you are going, well Michael, you're not getting active and all you're doing is bitching. Yeah, thats because the active step for me is to take a baseball bat and get all Babe Ruth on the back of your heads.
MOVIE REVIEWS!!
The Da Vinci Code or National Treasure: European Tour. Yes, thats right folks. There is nothing offensive in this movie. The plot is fairly simple, yet for some reason, its just not executed properly. And the sad thing is that this movie is 2.5 hours long. I think I would have enjoyed it more if it were 3 hours long.. or a made for TV miniseries. That would have at least given it time to explain more in detail the background of characters like Robert Langdon, the Opus Dei Alibo Monk, even Leigh Teabing. I'll have to read the book now if I can get past the after taste. The actors move through the movie like they're drugged. Jean Reno in particular.. which is sad, because he's decent actor. And Audrey Tatou, you're beautiful and I'm sure a talented actress, but did you have to pour the French accent in so thick? Half the time, I expected to see a subtitle caption at the bottom to understand what you were saying. The Albino Monk seemed like he was mumbling the entire time.. possibly about how poor this movie is going to do. Don't get me wrong, its a great movie, but it didn't meet expectations. Da Vinci Code, I'm giving you a 3.5/5.
X-Men 3: Last Stand. Again, another really good movie. Not great, but damned good. What I particularly liked about this movie is that it has moments where you're just left going,"Did I really see that?" One of the most pivotal moments in the movie had my jaw dropped for a few minutes after the scene. Kelsey Grammar played one hell of a Beast/Hank McCoy. I can't possibly see them getting anyone else to do the role. Cyclops and Xavier seemed to be lifeless in this one.. heheh.. Thats funny. Oh and stick around after the credits for an extra goodie. This ain't no trilogy my friends.. at least there will be a few more movies to come. So what was so bad about this one? It was a great movie.. Not the best I've ever seen mind you, but a damn good movie. There was nothing truly wrong with it. It had its memorable moments (Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut Bitch!), but its not the most memorable movie ever. Like I said, go see it. Don't bitch about it. And Halle Berry did a better job in this one than she has in her previous roles. We see her really kick some ass.
The last thing I want to go over with everyone is that I just got back from a trip to Arizona. That is currently where my fiancee resides. In a few days, her and I will be married. I'll be gone for a while.. sorta.. if'n you know me, come over and meet my wife. I loves her so much. She's the best thing that has happened to me and my inspiration of all my endeavors. She is my best friend and will eventually be the mother of my children. Thank you Wendy for all you've done.
"hu wud want ur ugly fat girlfriend"
Okay. Now when I first read this message, two things came to mind. British Chav and 15 year old. Aww..some of y'all got offended. All the Chavs are going,"now y dd he say that abut me i ddnt do ne thing rong to hm" Why? Well look at the message. First, lets start with "hu." "hu" is short for "who." The lazy bastard left off one letter. And they didn't capitalize "h." Then there is "wud." This time, the lazy fuck left off 2 letters. Then there is "ur", with 2 letters missing. From my experience with British Chavs, this is how I've recieved messages from them before. And don't get your feelings hurt, I know its "internet slang" but lets try to raise the standard. Right now its at "Pendejo." Now, a lot of you are saying, wow, what a lazy bastard, but in all reality, if Rose was that lazy of a person, I wouldn't have recieved the message anyway. Then there is the punctuation that is missing. The message should have read out,"Who would want your fat, ugly girlfriend?" Well, to answer your question Rose, I would. However, lets look at her for a bit. Wendy weighs 104 and its clear by the pictures of her. Second, she looks better than 95% of the women who walk this planet and are not surgically enhanced. And for those of you who are going,"I don't know what that means Michael" just look at Pamela Anderson and you'll get the point. And thats why the 15 year old girl came to mind. Only an insecure little girl would say some stupid shit like that. Now, look at Rose's profile. She likes Carlisle United Football and she is 17 years old. So I was 2 years off. My bad. Well Rose, I'm not mad at you for the fact that you're jealous of Wendy. Thats fine. I'm mad that you only make British people look fucking retarded.
Now I've done made all the Chavs upset. Hey, don't get offended that I'm makin fun of your internet slang. I could be really mean and say that for the most part, all chavs remind me of are the redneck hicks that inhabit rural America. I've yet to understand when it became acceptable to be white trash. This logic has had me confused now for a few years. "We're poor and we're proud of it." Why? You don't have anything, You've got nothing but a broke trailer home. Why are you proud? "Its because thats who we are." Well have you considered maybe, I don't know, elevating yourself? "I can't do that, I don't have a good job." Well pendejo, you should have paid attention in school. Now, all you need to know is DING! Fries done. And thats another thing. I'm sick and tired of everyone saying,"Its so hard to get a job in America." Hey, guess what, its not hard to get employed in America. Its hard to find a job that you enjoy, but its not hard to find a job. I've friends who've gone months without a job. I lose a job and 3 days later I'm employed else where. How'd I do it? Well, first and foremost, I went out and looked for a job. "Dur, whaddya mean look for a job?" Well, get out there and start putting in applications everywhere. "But Michael, I don't have any skills." Hey, you shut the fuck up. Do your arms and legs work? Get a job at a factory then. "But the hours are so terrible." Hey, who the fuck cares? You've got a job. You're employed again. You're getting your bills paid on time. Find a job and keep looking. If you don't like the job you're in now, then keep looking for one dumbass. Don't just not work. Do something to make ends meet. I don't care if its flipping burgers or scrubbing toilets. You better be doing something to make an income. I'm tired of hearing people complain that they don't have money. Get out there and do something.
Another thing I'm tired of (White People I'm talking to you), is the white people who try to act black. Guess what. You're not a G-Unit Ryder. You're not from Runion Avenue, you're not in the Chamilitary. Stop trying to be. Hey, don't get me wrong. I listen to that music. I listen to some 50 Cent, D12/Eminem, Chamillionaire or however the fuck he spells his name, I listen to Zro and all that rap, but I don't try to act like I'm black. You're not 'representin' because guess what, you're just listening to the dope beats. "But Michael, I know what its like." No you don't fuckers. Not a damn one of you on here know what its like. All you little wannabe badasses can go fuck yourselves. Your daddies guns aren't yours. You're trying to be hardcore and badass, but you look fucking retarded. And I know all you Juggalos are laughing right now, but hey, you're next. So just sit tight. Its not cool to pretend to be hardcore. I know you want to show people you listen to that music, but I mean c'mon, really, how many of you actually have shot a gun at someone before? How many of you have grown up on the streets hustling your way through the day to make ends meet? Not a damn one of y'all. None of you know what its really like and listening to the music doesn't make it so. Some of you, I understand, have lived a hard life, and might relate to a few songs here and there. But guess what, You don't fit the bill. Stop trying to.
Now Juggalo's, guess what, how old do you think you are before the clown circus leaves your ass because you're too old? Uh...hmm.... Try 17 or 18. Guess what, the music ICP puts out is a generational brand of music. Its been proven that kids betweent the ages of 13 and 16 are more interested in listening to ICP than any other age group. After you turn 17, the tone of music you listen to changes.. you then fall into another group, the Slipknot generation. And FYI, Slipknot fucking sucks. Any group that needs more than 5 members in it is not real but a fake band. Its like a Garage band gone wrong. A lot of chainsaw screaming does not make a band good. There is no soul in music nowadays anyway. And that goes for that Chemical Romance shit as well. I'm not sure who's worse. I'm thinking its MCR on account that they are whiny little bitches. You are men! Males! C'mon! Get with the fuckin program! Unlesss they come out and say they are gay, I refuse to acknowledge them as males. And don't give me that Metrosexual crap either. You know what Metrosexual means? It means you're gay and you don't want to admit it. Well guess what, I don't buy it.
And I've got nothing against gay people. I've lots of gay friends. They're great people. There is nothing wrong with them. I just wish people would stop pretending to be something they're not. Thats all. Thats what I like about gay people. They're honest enough with themselves to be themselves. And there is nothing wrong with that. I wish more people would be themselves, thats all I ask. Stop pretending to be bad ass. Stop pretending to be wicked clowns or emo or goth or whatever. You don't have to be part of the machine that you fuel. You people preach Anarchy. You preach New World Order. Why? "Because I'm not free to express myself the way I am." Yes you are. Especially if you live in America. Look at me now? I'm expressing myself. Oh and don't give me that,"Well, I'm emo/goth/indie
So I'm sitting here, at my desk at work. I've got 2 or 3 jobs I should be working on, but I'd rather ramble on a bit instead. So whats new in my life. Well, after 3 fucking weeks, I finally got to see House, M. D. last night. American 'Fucking' Idol has been on every night for the past 3 weeks, ruining my two hours of T.V. time. American Idol, or as my fiancee calls it,"The Hour Long Cell Phone Commercial." And its true. Maybe we're jaded..maybe we're seeing something different. But it seems like ever 2 minutes, Cingular Wireless has a plug on that show. I've got nothing against Cingular Wireless. They're capitalizing on a gold mine. You've got the mindless masses watching this "show" every Tuesday and Wednesday night, using their phone to "vote" for who they believe will be the next American Idol. Its hilarious. They think they are actually voting for the one they want to win. No, no, I'm not saying your votes don't count. I'm just saying that your vote doesn't make that big of a difference. The person that the shows producers want to win will win. Its kinda like the American voting process, ya know what I'm saying? A group of 12 business men decide on who they want to carry out their agenda. American Idol...American Elections..so many similarities between the two. And it seems like Bush has finally pissed off enough people to get him a 34 point drop in his approval rating on one poll, which is getting close his all time low of his entire presidency. This is how an interview between Bush and I would go:
BM: Mr. President, you want to open 6 ports up to a India-based company in order to do what?
PB: Well Michael, as you may know, my term is almost up. And so in order to live comfortably for the rest of my life, I made a deal with a few companies that will pay me royalties for the rest of my life...I mean, to stimulate the economy.
BM: But Mr. President, aside from your own personal greed, wouldn't it be more beneficial to the American people to keep those ports closed, preventing terrorism.
PB: The American Economy will benefit from it.
BM: Right, just like the American Economy benefited from your fathers selling of weapons to the Iraqis during the Persian Gulf War right?
PB: Um..well, um... look over there!
Yup... I knew it. Bush finally pissed off the right persons... I suppose he thought he could run the country without the help of the machine that made it possible for him to get into Office.
By the way, I made mention of a "fiancee." Yes, there is a woman out there that loves me for the prick asshole that I am. And I love her too. So, I asked her to marry me. And she said yes. Fell in love with her when I met her. She is so very similar to me.. yet her and I have so many differing view points. I believe a lot of that has to do with upbringing. She comes from a family that is relatively well off. I come from a family that lived paycheck to paycheck. There is just a slight difference in the two. However, she is into the same things I'm into, like video games, psychology, theatre arts, acting, stand up comedy, its so odd. Her and I have so many things in common... we fell in love with each other the first night we met.. and it just kinda went on from there...
And for the record, yes she knows the type of person I am. See, most people think I'm a jerk asshole to everyone. Thats not true. I'm a jerk asshole to everyone but the person I'm in love with. She's read my blog. She knows my attitude towards people. I'm filled with love and care for humanity, mixed with utter hopelessness for it. Its true. I believe that we, as a race, have the potential to evolve...because, like the Wizard once said,"Evolution didn't end with us growing thumbs, we evolve Ideas as well." And its true. Our evolution hasn't stopped. Its still going. Its only begun. How about we start with religion? How about we create a new religion? I'm not saying Christianity is bad. I'm not saying God doesn't exist or that Jesus doesn't exist. I'm saying its time to change things. I'm saying the old religions are outdated. Its time we, as a people, start evolving ideas.
I think that will be the way to peace. We let go of the old ways, and embrace a new ideal, together, as a whole. No more of this,"I'm right, you're wrong," mentality, but to come together and start moving forward. Religion is kinda keeping us, as a race, from progressing. Its time we stop believing everything the Media says. Its time we stop believing everything the Goverments tell us. Its time we become enlightened beings. Lets let go of the past. Lets move forward. Together.
"Oh I’ve given up on love ‘cause love has given up on me. What a crock of shit. You don’t know what love is. Oh, I found it in little Timmy or Susie. No, that highschool dating shit you call “love” ain’t nothing. Yeah, I thought I found it too. Nope, wrong Mykal. I ain’t found shit. But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up. You people are stupid and ignorant to think that you’re the only one that has had their heart broken. You think life is bad now? You sir are an idiot."
Alrighty boys and girls, its time for the rant of the week. So there is this guy in Louisiana, who is filing suit against Apple, Inc. Why? Because his Ipod can put out a range of decibels that are harmful to your ears when using earbuds. Let me repeat this for everyone. This guy is filing a class action suit against Apple, Inc for putting out a product that has the potential to damage your ears. He claims that there is not enough warning on the product letting you know that turning the volume up to high can potentially damage your ears. Keep in mind, Apple has a warning about that in the manual (and I know because I have an Ipod). I will let all of you simmer on that for a bit. In France, they made Apple recall all Ipods and made them reduced the maximum decibel output from 115 to 110. Now, if memory serves me right, for comfortable listening, you should have the decibel range between 50 and 60. Past 70dB, sound quality starts to deteriorate because most personal speakers can't handle above that level. They either start to cut in and out due to the frequency changes or the sound is filled with static. And Apple isn't the only mp3 manufacturer that has output ranges higher than 110. There are plenty of manufactures that output 115 db. So why Apple Ipods?
I believe that if this guy's lawsuit is won, I'm going to file suit on a knife manufacturer for creating a product that has the potential to cut me. I'm going to file suit against a heater company for making a product that keeps me too warm. Why? Because that is what that guy is doing. He is filing suit against a company that makes a product that has the potential to do harm to oneself. Now lets just think about this. If you turn on the TV and it is at a really high volume, what do you do? You turn the fucker down. If you turn on a lamp that is really bright, what do you do? You put a lamp shade over it. When food starts to burn on a stove, what do you do? You turn the heat down. Why? Because they are common sense things. Common sense people. This guy is filing suit against Apple because he has a lack of common sense. My question to this guy is how.. How he managed to live this long without winning a Darwin Award. Because to me, this guy seems to be the type. He's the same asshole that would touch an electrifed fence over and over and over. No one should have to tell you that high volumes of music can damage your ears. No one should have to tell you that when you order hot coffee, its going to be hot. No one should tell you that eating only eating McDonalds will make you gain weight. No one should have to tell you these things because these are the type of things you should know instinctively. These are the things you should have learned in fucking Kindergarten. When I was 5 years old, I knew that hot coffee was hot. I knew when the radio was too loud. I knew not to touch the blade of a knife. Or to pick up broken glass. Or touch fire. Why? Because instincts should kick in. Survival. COMMON FUCKING SENSE! You don't touch the fire because its hot.
Should a person be allowed to sue Phillip-Morris for making a product that is addictive and can cause cancer? NO! Its your choice to smoke cigarrettes. Should you be able to sue McDonalds because a harmful side effect of eating their food and not exercising some fucking self control is getting fat. NO! Its your choice to eat their shit and not stop and work out. No one from McDonalds forced a fucking BigMac down your throat. Phillip-Morris didn't put a gun to your head and say,"Smoke it or we smoke you." And Apple doesn't force anyone to listen to their music at a ridiculously high volumes. Its stupidity that causes these things.
But its a problem in todays society. Somehow, somewhere down the line, someone decided to reward stupidity. Someone decided that its okay to be stupid. It is our sovereign duty to make sure that the weak and stupid pass their genes on to the next generation. Thats not the course of nature. The course of nature dictates that the weak die off, so that the next generation consist of the smarter and the stronger. And the government allows it. Thats what I don't understand. The Federal Government allows stupidity to run rampant throughout America. Its as if they encourage it. If thats the case and this guy wins, I'm going to file suit against 3 entities. The first will be my government for allowing stupidity to run rampant and not stepping in. I have to deal with stupid people on a near constant basis, and that is causing uncomfortable living enviroment. The second entity will be the guy in Louisiana for staining the human race with his existence. It means that the next generation will have some trace of him and the potential for us to progress will be lost. The third will be Apple for not putting out a quality product due to a massive settlement case and a massive recall of all Ipods.
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